Okay, so we had our first “A Little Night Music” rehearsal yesterday but it was short and bittersweet for me. Paul Sportelli, our musical director, is starting from the beginning and going chronologically so I was let go about an hour in. But tonight we had our second rehearsal and they have been going so fast, we actually did the finale of act one. Now, those of you who know the show know “Weekend In The Country”. Those of you who don’t, let me just say that it is one of the most extraordinary act one finales ever written. And it was in it’s roughest form but still was breathtaking . . . I mean that both figuratively and literally. It’s a b#*ch to sing. Where do you breathe???!!!!! It’s going to sound great. Such a great cast.

Okay I’m tired. We have the last preview of the week tomorrow afternoon and then one of our last rehearsals for Wonderful Town tomorrow night. Roger, our director leaves to go home to Australia next thursday. It will be so weird to see him go. But he’s a busy guy.

It’s been a funny thing you guys. Something has been on my mind a lot lately. And it know it’s something that a lot of performers are forced to think about, perhaps way too much. Weight/body image. I made a decision today. I’ve been trying to juggle the whole experience here of trying to aclimatize myself to the festival, and put my show together that I did on Mar. 17 and try to work out and keep the weight off. Oh I didn’t really talk about that. I had put on some weight through the beginning/middle of last year. I decided to try Jenny Craig because I had several friends who had tried it and swore by it. It was fantastic. I’m a total fan. Great tasting food, easy to do. But what was the best part was the convenience. I managed to lose almost 30 lbs. before christmas. I put some of it back on over christmas – c’est la vie. But being here, and not being able to create a schedule, I’ve put back on over half the weight just because I haven’t gotten down to organizing myself. I’ve come a long way since my early years, in terms of the weight issues. I’ve made no secret that I became bulemic when I was 20 and spent the entire decade of my twenties, mentally and emotionally crippled by self-loathing and fear. But it makes me wonder how many people, particularly men suffer silently. You hear so much about women’s body issues and so little about men. I didn’t know a man could be bulemic or anorexic until I was in the middle of it myself. And I see so many men, now, in Hollywood who are no bigger than their female counterparts. The ladies aren’t the only ones puking up the salads. It makes me sad and makes me constantly evaluate where I sit in all of this. I’m bigger now than I’ve been in years but I’m also more at peace with what I look like. Handsome or hot or attractive does not mean 10% bodyfat. And vice versa. But I do want to feel good.

You wonder what all this is for. Part of it is just sharing what has been in my head lately (after all, this is called “in my head”). But also because, today, I decided to get back on Jenny Craig to organize the eating again. They deliver – HALLELUJAH!!! So I hooked that up today. But not because I want to lose tons of weight and be all emaciated. Those days are over for me. I just want to feel good in my clothes. I don’t want to be a slave to what someone else thinks is pretty or handsome or worst of all – WORTHY. So much worth attached to how thin we are. It’s mean and I don’t want to play that game. I want to be healthy and happy and valued for more than that. Yes, I want to be in shape. But I love food. Come on!!!! (I’m all Queen Latifah – smell me) So it’s about balance. And I guess that’s what this is about. I want to wish you all – all of you who come to my site and read this – I want to wish you all balance and self-worth and good food and full lives.

That’s it.

Published in: on April 5, 2008 at 3:23 am  Comments (2)  

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  1. Amen to that!

    Thom, congratulations to you for all the soul-searching and hard work I’m sure you had to do to overcome your eating disorder. It’s wrong that in our society we seem to value “thin” over “health”.

    Believe it or not, I am a long-distance runner. I run half-marathons, and I have also done one marathon so far. I know — weird, eh? The smart girl who was into drama and music, an athlete?? Come on — no way! But yes way — I am. And it constantly amazes me that whenever I enter a race, there I will be in the corral lined up to start, and I see bodies of all shapes and sizes: the ones who “look like runners” (whatever a runner looks like). The lady no taller than me, but carrying 40 pounds more than I do. The 6’5″, 300-pound guy. And I realise, as I stand there feeling like a poser, like someone who is completely out-of-place (because after all, I was anything BUT an athlete back in the day, and two years of running still has barely made a dent in 36 years’ worth of self-definition), I realise that I DO belong there, that I AM an athlete. I’m not what I used to think of as athletic (young, strong, lean and lithe), but I am an athlete. I realise it, but I still have not internalised it. I want to believe it, more than I want a personal best time on my next race. And if I keep on running, maybe someday I will.

    Anyhoo, listen to me blab on and on. But what I really wanted to say here, is that what I do feel, even deep down, is comfortable in my skin. It takes a lot of soul-searching to get there (it did for me, anyway). It takes a lot of courage to face demons and sterotypes and years of being defined a certain way by yourself and by others. No, I am not the same size I was 20 years ago. I probably never will be. But neither do I aspire to be. I’m in the best shape I have ever been in, the strongest I’ve ever been, and 38-year-old me could whip 18-year-old me’s ass. Now THAT is power.


  2. And here’s to you, Mrs. Thomlinson. that was well said, Tanya. I hope everyone who reads this feels the truth in Tanya’ words. Amen.

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