How’s that for a title to grab your attention???!!!
For those of you who remember my talking about my therapist long ago, this will be a catch-up. For those of you who are new and haven’t read any of the old posts, welcome to the inner, inner workings of my mind. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I’ve got this wonderful therapist who is an “energy therapist”. What that means is you do a 75 minute session. For about 45-50 minutes of it, you sit and talk and he guides and helps your realize what’s bothering you and what to do with that. Then you get on his table and he does energy work -chakra balancing, reiki (sp?) sort of stuff. But he also really reads the body. He is incredible. He’s really intuitive so you can feel him feeling your body’s ‘information’. The most fantastic experience. I feel so cleansed after seeing him. 1 – because I can spill my guts without sensoring. And 2 – he cleans your energy in the table work so you don’t carry it around with you. His name, by the way, is David Scammell. Treat yourself to some healing, y’all. You won’t be sorry. And for those of you who think it’s all just airy-fairy stuff. I assure you, it’s life-altering and, in fact, he is very practical which is a great balance.
Well, I haven’t managed to get in to see him since I got to Shaw in February. He comes up to St. Catherines about once a month/month and a half because he has a handfull of clients in Niagara-On-The-Lake and environs (love that word – “environs” – it’s so upscale rural). But I don’ t drive or have a car (why would I, I don’t drive) and I haven’t been able to hook up with someone who would take me out. Well, I finally found someone who would get me there and I had a session on Thursday (two days ago). It was – dare I have a renaissance and bring the word back – AWESOME. God he’s good. He helped me focus on things I wasn’t seeing. He helped me realize I’m holding on to a perception of myself as a performer that is not my own. It is someone(s) else. Along with that was the realization that I don’t need to say yes to work just because someone thinks I’d be good in it; that I can be flattered that someone sees me in a role I wouldn’t think of casting myself in and still say no because I don’t have a desire to do it. That was something I’ve had a hard time allowing myself to do. And then I end up in something I really don’t want to be doing. Even if people think I’m good in it, it doesn’t mean much if I’m not having a good time.
So the biggest thing I took from that session was – well, two things really. The first thing is that I can say ‘no’ to shows if I don’t see myself being happy in them. And the second thing is the realization that I want to tell stories and take people on a journey. And that means, I think, that I have to be really choosy about what I want to do. I want to do cabaret and concert-work. I love telling a whole story from beginning to end in 3-4 minutes. I love singing. I also want to only do theatre gigs I really want to do. But the biggest thing of all – and I think many performers don’t understand this about themselves – is that I want to do work that utilizes and expands on my gifts. Now, before you all start rolling your eyes (that’s right, I saw that), let me just say that what I mean by gifts is that we all have gifts we’re given inately. My mother plays the organ and is great with numbers -literally, I mean, math stuff. My father is a people-person; people love him, he makes them feel taken care of and at ease, that’s why he was so good at being a porter for VIA Rail for 38 years. So I want to use whatever gifts I have to their fullest and be given the opportunity to expand those gifts, develop those gifts and discover new gifts. Which means challlenging myself while always embracing things that scare me. But the difference is I’ve done things in the past that scare me but don’t always interest me. That is something that now has to stop. If I’m drawn to it while being scared and/or excited by it, then I’ll consider it. If not, I need to say no. That is a huge and thrilling revelation for me. It probably won’t always be easy but what worthwhile thing is. . . . . Well (jeez- these ideas keep tumbling into other ideas – time for a new paragraph)
That last idea leads me to an idea that someone put to me once. It’s the idea that when you are doing what you are meant to be doing, it isn’t work. You work hard but it doesn’t feel like it’s work because it fills you with such joy and life that it’s not a ‘chore’. That’s the place I want to reach. So raise a glass y’all. (c’mon, it can be a water glass, diet coke, Fresca -mmmm Fresca) Let’s have a toast to (here comes a five dollar expression) . . . to self-actualization. Woohoo